The Douchebag-Accomplishment Matrix for Candidates
What we have here folks is what I call the “Douchebag-Accomplishment Matrix for Presidential Candidates”. You see, I figure that since no candidate is ideal anyways, the best we can do is elect someone who is as little a douchebag as possible, while having the record or potential to accomplish as much useful shit as possible.
In our chart above, you can see we have seven past and present-day candidates. Each one has been given their own colored star to represent them in the chart itself. The horizontal line denotes how big of a douchebag that candidate is/was. Notice it starts at 40, since one must be at least 40% douchebag to even consider running for the fucking job. The vertical line indicates their actual and/or potential accomplishments. This line is relative, as a percentage would be futile- no one who works in government ever achieves 100% of their stated goals. Obviously, where that person’s douchebag and accomplishment lines meet is their Douchebag-Accomplishment rating, as indicated by their respective colored star.
Our seven candidates, and their rating:
#1 – George Washington – 60X29
You have to be at least some kind of douchebag (and have huge balls) to go against the biggest empire on the planet with a fledgeling army and a bunch of rednecks. But George pulled it off, and went on to become our first President.
#2 – Thomas Jefferson – 52X17
He penned the Declaration, served as Secretary of State, and then President. High for accomplishment. Talk about a hard-charging motherfucker, this man had nerves of steel- which in itself requires a certain douchebaggery.
#3 – Ronald Reagan – 43X25
The Gipper was star of stage and screen, saw some military service, served as Governor of California, and President. He turned around a recession, and kicked Russia’s ass in the Cold War. Accomplishments? Fuck yeah. Douchebag? Not so bad- pretty humble, considering.
#4 – Hillary Clinton – 100X0
Hillary who? Oh, you know- Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriends’ wife. Few people have managed to be as complete a douchebag as Hillary, yet achieve fucking nothing but getting people killed in some far-off shithole. (slow clap). But hey, what difference does it make?
#5 – Barack Obama – 100X3
So much douchebaggery in such a little effeminate package- an accomplishment by itself. Only B.O. could stink up the Oval Office with scandal after scandal, while simultaneously blaming the last administration for every single thing under the sun. Minor mark for accomplishment, for rigging two elections in a row with voter fraud.
#6 – Bill Clinton – 93X8
Earning high marks in the douchebag category for his office antics involving interns and being an all-around pervert, Slick Willie also earns some accomplishment for the same- after all, if you could get hummers under your desk to break up the job boredom, who wouldn’t?
#7 – “FHRITP” Fred – 99X29
Okay, so Fred isn’t an official candidate, but I thought I’d throw him in for the sake of comparison, since you know somebody out there has written him in, anyways. Fred scores high on the douchebag side, since well- he’s a douchebag. But for his skill at not only fooling reporters himself, but starting a trend and thousands of memes, he nets a high accomplishment score, as well. Fred for President! He’ll FHRITP.
We hope you’ve enjoyed this chart, and will find it useful in deciding who to vote for in 2016.